By the way......how is Ava doing???

You don't know how many times I hear that question. From acquaintances, friends, even people that don't even know us very well. I wonder at times if anyone REALLY wants to know the answer.

Both Matt and I have found that many who ask.......don't really want to hear the answer if it's anything other than "great, wonderful, better than EVER"

So warning to all....if your one of those people......... don't read any further. This won't be an easy read & won't have you feeling all warm and fuzzy at the end.

People just ask to be nice, as a polite gesture.....and I get that.....I'm guilty of it myself in my "before it happened to me" days. But quite honestly, these days, it really gets the best of me. Don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth. And when I tell you exactly how she is doing....don't cut me off, pretend you have a phone call, or say "awwwww...that's too bad" & go back to living your perfect life and never give us a thought or a prayer. Just don't ask.

Maybe I shouldn't be posting tonight............................

Ava has been having clusters of "new" seizures lately which consist of her eyes deviating upward and blinking constantly. We've had to use her rescue med (Diastat) many times these past few weeks to break these clusters. Strange enough, the myoclonics we've tried so hard to nix, have all but gone (maybe 3 or so a day) We've also noticed some absence seizures rearing. It seems as though ALL her major seizure activity has shifted to sleep time. She's been having horrible myoclonic clusters almost every night. I upped her nighttime Clobazam dose hoping it would help, but nothing.

We've had to rouse her nightly to either give her Diazapam or Lorazepam to take the edge off & help her sleep.

My poor baby. She can't even sleep anymore. The diet, however, is in question.

Again.

It will all come to our 3 day digitrace EEG we will be getting done this Thursday. I'll have a lot to think about next week. So until next week, we'll sit tight. My heart is so heavy tonight. I'm very physically exhausted from the nighttime seizures, but mostly, I'm scared.

Scared of what the EEG might say. Things have shifted seizure wise, and I don't like the way things are going. I'm scared of what is going on inside her brain, and that it could mean Ava may loose all the progress she's made. Yet, even with what I'm seeing on the outside.

I still believe.

I believe that God is in control of this situation. I believe that I can give all this pain, heartache and worry and he will turn it into peace beyond understanding. I believe that one day we will overcome this monster that has stolen our happiness, our sleep, and our precious family time that is all but a distant memory sometimes.

So to those of you who do care, and pray...for real.

We need it. Especially this week and next.